Couples therapy can be a powerful experience that helps you break out of the harmful, ineffective patterns you sometimes play out time and again with your partner(s). But many times, you might suggest couples counseling only for your partner to be iffy on it or half-heartedly agree and never follow through. So the question becomes, what are a few things that might help your partner feel more comfortable starting couples therapy?
A therapist that is more similar to them
Research shows that sometimes people worry about being misunderstood or “ganged up on” in couples therapy when the therapist’s identities don’t align with their own. As the partner suggesting therapy, you can show a willingness to meet your partner halfway by finding a therapist that shares key identities with your partner. For example, if your partner is a man, he may believe that a male therapist would be more likely to understand his perspective. Or maybe your partner would feel more comfortable working with someone that comes from the same culture as them.
Understand their fear
Emotion focused therapy (EFT) is a form of therapy that emphasizes understanding the pain and fear at play in your relationship. EFT explains that most likely your partner is not unsure about therapy because they hate you or do not care about the relationship. Often, a partner resisting couples therapy is simply afraid of the pain it will uncover in them. Empathizing with that fear and validating it can help your partner see you are not trying to attack them or hurt them. Once your partner sees that you can understand their perspective, they may be more willing to come to therapy and engage with this vulnerable process.
Assure them that you are not rushing change
Most relationships eventually settle into a consistent system of how things go, and systems focused therapies believe that you settle into that system because it works in some way. Even when painful or harmful, the system must work well enough or else you would have already broken up. If your partner is resistant to therapy, it might be because they are afraid that changing the system will make it even worse. You can help calm this fear by letting them know that you can change the system little by little in positive ways rather than throwing it all into chaos suddenly. Knowing change can be slow and careful could help some partners feel like coming to couples therapy isn’t as threatening or as big of a deal as they thought.
Conclusion
Most of the time, when a partner resists coming to couples therapy, it is out of fear: fear that they won’t be understood, fear of expressing the painful feelings they trap inside, fear of making the relationship worse, etc. As the person who is suggesting therapy, maybe you can help your partner feel more comfortable signing up for couples therapy by finding a therapist who is more similar to them, understanding their fear, or reminding them that you don’t have to rush into changing things before you’re both ready. If you and your partner(s) are ready to make a brave step toward a better relationship, email me at contact@pruittpsychotherapy.com or text me at (512) 360-0625 to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.